A quick prick of a needle on the end of a finger changed our world a few nights ago. As the doctor in the Emergency Room at the Children’s Hospital in Calgary spoke with calm certainty, my mind was spinning.
"The diagnosis for your daughter is Type 1 Diabetes." said in that matter-of-fact tone that only doctors and customer service reps seem to have. It echos in my ears and head. I'm silenced in disbelief.
“Are you sure it’s that? Could it be something else? The symptoms are so vague and your diagnosis is so simple. How can that be? You are wrong. And you are an idiot!” I scream at full Mommy volume in my head. "Get out of here! Take your stupid diagnosis with you!" I glare. Outwardly, all that he sees is my eyes burning with tears and me swallowing hard to hold back my rage.
I am raging inside. At the doctors who can do a simple pin prick on the finger and deliver life altering, devastating news. I am raging at the evils of this world that make such a disease attack an innocent child. I am raging that she lays drained of all energy and normal colouring and can barely speak.
“Type 1 Diabetes. Why her? She’s so clever and funny and just the best little girl ever. What did she ever do to warrant this? Why not ME? I’ve done many things in my life that I’m not proud of. Give me the damn disease and just let her be a kid. What did I do wrong?” Thought after thought come to mind. It’s a flury of everything and nothing.
Is she hurting, does this mean she can’t do certain things? She's never been sicker than a cold. How the hell does this happen? What about this treatment—what are the risks? How long will she be in here? At least she's getting the best quality of care. I better phone Nana and Sister in Law. Good Lord! She's so small and watching the IV go in damn near kills me. I know its not the worst news we could get. Yet at this moment it feels like someone sucked the life out of my lungs.
How will we deal with this....I don't know the answer, but I'm certain we will. I know we are never handed more than we can handle, but sometimes that seems like a fallacy.
Another sad reality: it isn't just us. Close friends had their daughter diagnosed just two days before. Sick.
Oh shit, to put it mildly.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you guys are going through this! I think one of the scariest parts (besides just about every damn thing) is that the image and dreams you had for her going through her life careless and carefree are gone, and I think it's okay to mourn that dream (knowing the world holds great things for her, and her for the world, regardless of this!)
I don't know much about Diabetes, but I know my cousin was diagnosed with type 1 about the same age as A. and he's gone on to play semi-pro hockey, gotten a university degree, and is just about to get married.
Hug your daughter and your family and engrave in your head what Mother Teresa said, "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."